Why the Anti-Christ is an Idiot

I actually read Left Behind out of anthropological curiosity. I wanted to find out what the fuss was all about. My impression? Well, let's just say it was a theological eye-opener.

Here's the thing that kept bothering me. The book begins with the rapture. Unfortunately, this takes place while lead character Rayford Steele, a pilot, is flying his airliner. So landing the plane is kind of dramatic since key air traffic control people, who were good Christians, suddenly vanish. Rayford is married to Irene and they have a daughter, Chloe, and a son, Raymie. Upon returning home Rayford finds that Irene and Raymie have been raptured. But Chloe remains behind with him.

Well, very quickly Rayford and Chloe go to Irene's church--New Hope Village Church--to get some answers. They find only one member remaining, a minister named Bruce. Bruce, Rayford and Chloe eventually find a video left behind by the raptured pastor of New Hope. It's a kind of "If I and millions of good Christians suddenly disappear, play this tape" tape. I assume all pastors have one of these in their office.

They do play the tape and get a Rapture and Tribulation 101 Crash Course.

This, you might be surprised to know, isn't the part that puzzled me. What puzzled me were the activities of Romanian politician Nicolae Carpathia.

Nicolae Carpathia is the anti-Christ and through the rest of Left Behind we follow his rise to power. Now here is my first quibble. If you were the anti-Christ and you wanted to keep it undercover why would you choose the name Nicolae Carpathia? Because if I was the anti-Christ I'd want to go with something more nondescript like "Bob Smith." Think about it. If you met Bob Smith and Nicolae Carpathia who would you suspect would be the anti-Christ? See my point? Bob Smith just can't be the anti-Christ. It's the perfect name.

But the name isn't what bothers me. What bothers me is that Nicolae Carpathia, the anti-Christ, starts following the End Times script to the letter. The Bible prophesies that the anti-Christ will do X. And Nicolae Carpathia does X. The Bible prophesies that the anti-Christ will do Y. And Nicolae Carpathia, monotonously and predictably, does Y.

And I'm thinking, is the anti-Christ a complete idiot?

Because either the anti-Christ is a deterministic automaton, slavishly following the End Times predictions of the Bible, or he's a complete moron. It's really one or the other.

Let's assume he's a moron. Why do I draw this conclusion? Well, first, if I was the anti-Christ I would take the time to read the book of Revelation. Shoot, I'd take the time to get a Ph.D. in New Testament apocalyptic literature. Why wouldn't you? I mean, the opposing team just handed you the play book. At the very least the anti-Christ should sit down and watch the End Times 101 educational video left behind at New Hope church.

Think about it. How could the anti-Christ NOT know he's going to fight a battle at Armageddon? Has he not seen any Hollywood movies? This whole battle is a part of pop-culture. He's got to know.

So you have to figure, on the eve of the battle, that he might think back on his whole life, where each step has been predicted in perfect detail, and wonder, "Hmmmm. Maybe I shouldn't fight this battle tomorrow on the plains of Armageddon. Seems like a bad idea. Maybe I should, well, CHANGE TACTICS! Fight the battle somewhere else. Like Boise, Idaho."

Because if I was the anti-Christ that is what I'd do. I'd change my name to Bob Smith and fight the battle in Bosie, Idaho. I'd try to mix it up a bit. Throw Jesus a curve ball. In fact, I'd actually be Dr. Bob Smith. Because I'd have gotten my Ph.D. in New Testament apocalyptic literature.

The anti-Christ might be an idiot. But I'm not.