During many years of doubt, while I was in an intellectually agnostic space, it was my love of God that kept me tethered to faith. That may sound strange. How can you love something you think might not exist?
Reflecting back on this now, here's my best take on that season of life.
I think when we struggle with "belief" we're struggling with mental conceptions of God. Consequently, seasons of doubt and deconstruction, and even outright unbelief, aren't really about God. Rather, they are about mental constructions of God. We're rejecting ideas, intellectual propositions, and cognitive representations.
But when it comes to the love of God, well, I don't think it's possible not to love God. Sure, you might have all sorts of doubts about God, but despite all that there is a longing within each human heart for God. You simply cannot imagine the truest most beautiful thing and not feel a desire for it. Even if you don't think it's true, you still want it. This is what makes former believers so sad when then stop believing in God. Intellectually, they cannot sustain belief, but they still long for God. We simply cannot not desire the true, the beautiful and the good.
Everyone loves God.
