There are two different things I want to reflect upon in Chapter 19 of Julian's Revelations. So we'll be in Chapter 19 next Friday as well.
This week I want to reflect upon the dramatic moment in Chapter 19.
Recall that Julian, sick and to all appearances dying, is looking upon a crucifix. As she gazes at the crucifix, the showings unfold. So, she has been looking at the dying Jesus for some time now. And as we've been recounting, Julian is sympathetically sharing in Christ's sufferings. Her "one-ing" with Christ has proven to be painful and distressing. So it is not surprising that Julian is tempted to look away from the cross, to escape the grief and suffering.
Julian describes this temptation as a temptation, as a demonic suggestion to turn away from Jesus. And this she refuses to do:
In this I wold a lokyd up of the Crosse, and I durst not, for I weste wele whyl I beheld in the Cross I was seker and save; therefore I wold not assenten to put my soule in perel, for beside the Crosse was no sekernes for uggyng of fends. Than had I a profir in my reason as it had be frendly seyd to me, Loke up to Hevyn, to His Fader; and than saw I wele with the feyth that I felte that ther was nothyn betwix the Crosse and Hevyn that myght have desesyd me. Either me behovyd to loke up or else to answeren. I answered inwardly with al the myghts of my soule, and said, "Nay, I may not, for Thou art my Hevyn." This I seyd for I wold not, for I had lever a ben in that peyne til domys day than to come to Hevyn otherwyse than by Hym. For I wiste wele that He that bonde me so sore, He sholde onbynde me whan that He wolde.
Translation:
In this I would have looked up at the Cross, and I dared not, for I knew well, while I beheld in the Cross I was secure and safe; therefore I would not consent to put my soul in peril, for beside the Cross was no security because of the frightening of fiends.
Then had I a proffer in my reason, as if it was friendly, which said to me, “Look up to Heaven, to His Father”; and then saw I well with the faith that I felt that there was nothing between the Cross and Heaven that might have harmed me.
Either I needed to look up or else to answer. I answered inwardly with all the mights of my soul, and said, “No, I may not, for Thou art my Heaven.”
Knowing that when looking at the cross she is "secure and safe," Julian hears a voice, sounding friendly, asking her to look away from the suffering Christ toward God in heaven. Again, Julian experiences this friendly voice as a demonic temptation. So she resists the voice with all the might of her soul and says, "No, I may not [look away], for Thou art my Heaven."
Julian then continues to reflect upon this choice to keep her eyes on Jesus' sufferings:
Thus was I lerid to chose Jesus to my Hevyn, whome I saw only in payne at that tyme. Me lekyd no other Hevyn than Jesus, which shal be my blisse whan I come there, and this hath ever be a comfort to me, that I chase Jesus to my Hevyn be His grace in al this tyme of passion and sorow. And that hat be a lernyng to me that I should evermor done so - chesyn only Jesus to my Hevyn in wele and wo.
Translation:
Thus was I taught to choose Jesus as my Heaven, whom I saw only in pain at that time. I liked no other Heaven than Jesus, who shall be my bliss when I come there, and this has ever been a comfort to me, that I chose Jesus as my Heaven by His grace in all this time of passion and sorrow.
And that has been a learning to me, that I should evermore do so — choosing only Jesus as my Heaven in well and woe.
That is the drama of Chapter 19: Julian refuses the temptation to pass over the sufferings of the cross in order to enter into and experience the bliss and beatitude of heaven.
Instead, she keeps her eyes fixed upon the cross and chooses Jesus as her heaven.
